Ask Hannah!

This isn’t so much a question as a comment. I truly enjoy your daily blog. It’s is so simple yet so close to home for so many of us. But I especially enjoyed your 10th anniversary blog. It truly brought to light the trials our spouses endure being married to a crossdresser or trans.

I wish my home life was as open and supportive as yours. I began dressing as a young teen but moved away from it when I graduated high school and went off to college. For over 10 years I honestly didn’t even think about dressing or gender issues. I believed it was something I did as an immature kid but that I had outgrown. In that time, I started a career, met and married my wife. It wasn’t until a couple years after we were married that those old urges returned.

At first it was just an occasional slipping into a pair of panties for a few minutes. Nothing to get anyone excited over. But over time it became more and more. The more I dressed the deeper I went into the closet. I was always sure that I could just quit whenever; that it was just a passing personal quirk. No need to involve or bother anyone else; especially my wife. What would people, especially her, think of me if they knew. Plus, I was going to quit and never do it again each time I purged so why create an issue right??

Finally, after 31 years of marriage, I sat down with my wife and told her about “my other side”. We have been struggling with this gorilla ever since. She is not totally accepting and definitely not supportive, but we struggle along, playing catch up for the many years of secrecy. I realized that she went through all the trials and fears as your wife, but in a very short time. I let her absorb all this at her own pace and do not try to force the issue. But the future is definitely not a clear path.

I know my story is not unique. Growing up in the 60s and 70s, society wasn’t as accepting of what we do, nor was information and help so readily available as it is today. I just want others to know that it won’t “go away” and urge them to come out and be honest with themselves and their spouses sooner than later.

Thanks again for your blog. It helps many of us more than you might guess. And by the way, you ALWAYS look amazing.


Hi Claire, thanks for the comment.  I wanted to post this because I’d like to point out a couple things that most of us have thought about and have gone through.  The first thing is that many of us thought that this would pass, that this was a phase and that we would grow out of it.  Crossdressing never goes away.  We will always be crossdressers even if we haven’t worn a pair of panties in five years.  We will always want to.  Purging doesn’t help, we just end up throwing out our beautiful clothes and then spend money on a new wardrobe.  I hope that anyone struggling with this side of them will accept it.  It will make your life so much better.  You are who you are and there’s nothing wrong with this.

The second thing is when we come out to our wives, we are not only dropping a major bombshell on them, but in addition to coming out, we are also going back over all the years when we were keeping this secret, or as Claire put it, catching up on years of secrecy.  Sometimes it’s not the crossdressing itself that is the issue, but keeping something from your spouse is.

I know it’s not easy to come out, and I am not saying you should.  You know your life and partner better than I do, but I think we all need to be aware of what our partners will likely go through when we do.  For those of you not married, I cannot stress how important it is to be upfront and honest with your partner before you do marry.  I believe in marriage, I believe in the sanctity of it, I believe in putting everything out in the open before you do marry.  It is simply not fair to hold anything back.  They deserve to know everything about you.  They deserve to know what they are getting into because, as I said earlier, crossdressing doesn’t go away.

Clair, I hope you find peace in your home, and I hope your wife does too.

Love, Hannah


5 thoughts on “Ask Hannah!

  1. My wife did know of my “crossdressing” before we met. However, I put away. Except for a small detail that seemed perfectly n normal to everyone. Then after 12 years the urges became way to strong to suppress. When I came out about my desires to her, it was a major bomb drop. It wasn’t an extreme suprise. The real problem was the fact I hid that aspect away from her. She felt lied to for all those years. We are still struggling to find the right mix for us. I knew many years ago I wasn’t right, long before my wife. But anyway now I’m on a new but old road. I couldn’t be happier. Working with others to help support my wife in all this that is us.

  2. It is a difficult issue and has been for those who are older. We get involved in our lives, our careers, our marriages, our children and while we may not engage in the actual practice of dressing the thoughts, while submerged, never evaporate. We do not often discuss these things with our wives because we ourselves are not fully sure of what is going on in our own mind. Part of us questions why we feel as we do and part of us says to simply get over it.
    Many of us have been down similar paths. We know stuff about ourselves but we are not really sure what we need. It presents a bit of an enigma.

  3. I would recommend two things to every t-girl. First be honest early on in the relationship. When you get to the point when dating that you think, “this is someone I would like to have a deeper relationship with” that is the point to tell them. it is a big risk and can be scary but it will save you so many problems later on. I would say to avoid one mistake I made which is to say “it is only ____ and I am not interested in/will never _____”. We all change over time where desires, priorities, etc. all wax and wane and what we think now may not be what we want to do 10 years down the road.

    The second thing I would recommend is find a therapist who has a background and training in working with gender identity issues. If you can’t find someone who has had specific training in your area most therapists and counselors should be able to help from a general therapy standpoint. They are not going to change you but they will help you communicate with your significant other. If you find you don’t like the counselor you choose seek out someone else. It’s not a reflection on them or you but just the nature of being human and being more comfortable with some people over others.

  4. Thank you for posting this. I am in the same boat as you. I have been in the closet my entire marriage. My wife finally found out. I was so relieved as I have been wanting to tell her for years. Like your wife the biggest issue she had was I had been hiding it for so long. She also said she married a man not a woman. She did some research and found out I would not be able to stop. We both agreed we wanted to hold the marriage together. She does not like me dressing at all. We did agree to some boundaries and when and what I could wear.
    My hope is she gets more comfortable with my dressing and I can do more. her one limit was I would not go out dressed any longer. Any advice or experience anyone may have about how long and how to get her except to allow me to dress more?

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